By Ustaz Mark Bang
“I am not what you think I am; you are what you think I am.” This means what you see in me is what resides in you. I am only a reflection of your perception.
It’s not about saying someone is good or bad. Because we have individual perceptions of the world, therefore there are an estimated 8 billion different realities existing at the same time. Also, another example from the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: never take anything personally. If someone tells you you’re beautiful, or if someone belittles you. It has nothing to do with you and is a reflection of the said person.
That’s how a schizophrenic mind would think—a clumsy attempt to know oneself. We always try to make our identity based upon ‘thinking’, be it ours or be it of others. It is always ‘thinking’. Now the process of thinking is faulty as you have not seen the whole thing and you try to conclude based on half the information. We can never see a whole coin; it is always one side of the coin that is revealed to us. Similarly, human nature is so complex that making an opinion simply based on certain characteristics would be a mistake. Human beings are not static but are dynamic in nature, and when we make an assumption about the personality of an individual, we are forming that upon certain characteristics of that individual portraying that particular time. It has always been said that one should spend time with an individual in order to know him or her more. Even a lifetime is not enough to know an individual. Failed marriages are the best examples of this. Why do we need to ascertain our image? What is so compelling a reason that we try to establish our identity sometimes by ourselves or sometimes by others? We, ourselves, cannot fix our image, as we are not aware of it.
I think this can be answered by sharing the story of two frogs (I suppose many might have heard of this story before, but the value lies in me connecting the already-known story to the idea/concept of Cooley). Two frogs fell into a deep pit and were unable to come out of the pit. Several frogs gathered around the pit to witness their plight. Both the frogs were attempting their best to come out of the pit by jumping hard. All the frogs around the hole started shouting loudly and advising against the foolish act of jumping out of the pit, as it appeared a certain impossibility. But both the frogs still went on trying their jumps. However, all the gathered frogs kept on shouting about how impossible the task is. One of the frogs got tired and also heeded the advice of the group of frogs on the rim and gave up further jumping.
However, the other frog kept jumping undeterred; its jumps became higher and higher, and more and more the frogs on the rim of the pit shouted at him to give up. And eventually one big leap, and it came out of the pit, to every frog’s surprise. It turned out to be a deaf one, which mistook the shouting of the group of frogs to be cheering for his efforts and encouragement to try even harder.
Basically, we perceive ourselves to be someone. Like we think we are kind, but maybe we are sometimes mean and we don’t realize it. And then there are people who perceive us to be someone. A person may think you are arrogant and think yourself high because you don’t talk to them. But maybe you really are shy and don’t have anything to say to them. So you are not what they think you are. I’m what I think you think I am. This is well; we don’t usually react by the way we think of ourselves. We also do not react to the way they think about you because you are not a mind reader. But we react by the way we think they think about us.
For example, someone is staring at you, and immediately you check if anything is wrong with the way you look. Any hair out of place, any unmatched clothing. Until then, you thought you looked fine. So you are not what you think you are. The person may not even be staring at you, but you don’t know that. So you are not what they think you are. But you are not looking fine because you think they may be staring at you. So you are what you think they think you are.
Why do we need to ascertain our image? What is so compelling a reason that we try to establish our identity sometimes by ourselves or sometimes by others? We, ourselves, cannot fix our image, as we are not aware of it. I think this can be answered by sharing the story of two frogs (I suppose many might have heard of this story before, but the value lies in my connecting the already-known story to the idea/concept of Cooley).
I hope I am not confusing you further. I am not what I think I am. This means exactly what it states. Whatever I think I am, I am not. I am not what you think I am. (Whatever you think I am, I am not.) I am what I think, you think, I am. (Basically, this person is making themselves to be what he believes the other person thinks or finds true about him, which may not even be true on the other person’s end. This person has come up with a whole story of how the other person sees them and lives on that story. Therefore, they are the perception of who they think the other person thinks they are. It basically talks about how much people care about what other people think about them. What affects you most is neither what you think of yourself nor what the other person actually thinks about you, but what you presume they think of you. I think this signifies three things. We give importance to others’ opinions more than our own, but this opinion of others is our own perception.
Secondly, this becomes true because we act in that way and others actually then start believing in that. Finally, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thus, what we think others think of us actually becomes true, but this belief is first constructed in our own heads, and then it gets transferred to others heads. Third and most important is that we can change others opinions of us just by thinking differently. If we start thinking that others are thinking well about us and start acting or projecting ourselves in that way, then others will actually start believing that. Remember, no one has enough time to especially think about you unless they hate you extremely or love you extremely. “Public Staunchest Ally.”
The writer of this article is a human rights activist, writer, and professional teacher.