In homes, we disagree. In offices, we disagree. In classrooms, we disagree. In our meetings, we disagree. In our conversations, disagreement is common. Even with yourself, you disagree. It seems normal to disagree. But is it normal for everyone?
What do most people think about those who always disagree? They are termed as traitors. They are the betrayers. They are always isolated. Everyone almost believes whoever disagrees lacks understanding. They are perceived to be people who are dictators; People who don’t easily agree to other people’s views. People avoid them in their lives. The big question is; who does not disagree at some points? I need an answer.
I had a serious disagreement with my father when I wanted to go to school. I didn’t grow up with my father most of my life. I grew up with my uncles. You know the society thing. My father didn’t marry my mother. They separated and my mother refused to leave me to some other women to raise me. She planned to raise me and kept me where she was. I grew up without knowing that I had a father somewhere. I thought the man who married my mother was my father. No one could tell me that I had a father. Even my mother hid it from me. When I asked her why she couldn’t tell me, she told me that she just didn’t want me to know because I could not live happy knowing that I wasn’t in the right place. I thank my mother and her husband plus my uncles who raise me to be who I am today.
When the truth was revealed to me, I was taken to my father’s home. I didn’t find it easy to fit there. It was a new environment. My father didn’t understand my life. Almost everyone couldn’t understand me. Many concluded I was stubborn. They would say, “Your mother and uncles’ mind-set.” For me, I knew I was not stubborn. I knew there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone where I grew up respected and was proud of me. They all knew I was a brilliant boy. They all saw my dream but in my new environment, they saw the opposite.
To believe fully that my father didn’t understand me, he opposed my idea of going to school. I started going to school from my mother’s land. I missed my flight to Kenya to go to school because I wasn’t taken to my father’s home. There in my father’s home, my school idea was seen as disobedient. I discussed with my father so many times but he could not agree.
I didn’t condemn him for disagreeing. He was right at some points. I was one year with him since I was born and I wanted to go away. My father didn’t see me until I became a man with six cultural marks on the forehead. He wanted to hold me at that moment. I was the only boy to my father by then. He got married but his wife gave birth to girls. He wanted the only boy to remain with him.
Living as a man without a boy in your family is a curse in my society. Boys could play great roles in the society by then. Boys could take care of cattle. My father suffered a lot before I came. No one could take care of his cattle. It was the role of young men to protect the village from any external conflict. You could face it rough if you hadn’t a young man in your home. Young men could also fish for the family. The main food in my village is fish. Without a young man in the family, it was not easy for the family to survive. Hunger was severe those days.
Considering all those factors, you would agree with me that my father was right to disagree to my school idea. But wasn’t I right too? I had fallen in love with school. Nothing could sound better to my ears than school. I left all those sweet things a young man could enjoy just to go to school. I was a young man who could not let a beautiful young girl go without escorting her. But I sacrificed all those enjoyments for my education. I wanted to go to school but my father said I must not.
Was I wrong to disagree? Everyone concluded that I was a disobedient child. They said I had my mother’s mind-set. But see here. After disagreeing with my father, I left for school on my own. I thank God that my father is a unique man who does not force people to his thinking though he disagrees. He left me to go my own way. He didn’t curse me for disagreeing with him. The story I know is that if you disagree to what your father tells you, you only go with a curse. That didn’t work with me. I didn’t believe my father would curse me. He would have cursed me if he hadn’t been born a good man.
After disobeying my father as people put it, I went to school. I spent three nights crying to build a mind-set that would make me succeed. I wanted to succeed to show to my father that I wasn’t disobeying him. I knew life was not going to be good to live in a town without my father’s care. I knew no one was going to pay my school fees and give me food, but I took the risk anyway. What I didn’t want to hear was disappointing my father. I wanted to make people understand that to disagree doesn’t always mean to disobey.
I enthusiastically started my school. Thank God life was very good those days. Education was almost free. I had no many demands for school as children of these days have. I resorted to living a simple life. I accepted to be taken as a slave wherever I could be. That worked! I could do anything which with my village mind-set I could not do! I thank God for changing my mind. Many girls concluded that I was abnormal. I hated them like hell though I initially had loved them like honey. They didn’t understand my new way and concluded that I was just an abnormal man. I accepted their perceptions on me but that could not bother me since I knew myself.
Despite all the challenges I went through, God was able to make me finish my primary education, secondary education, college education and University education without any dropout. I didn’t have anyone paying me in school and giving me everything I wanted but I had God and my dream. I passed well in each of those levels. Some of my village friends who had all they wanted didn’t even finish secondary school. I have believed that what matters is not about who wants you to be successful. It is about whether you want to be successful.
When I graduated, my father was reached with the news of my graduation. Some people who remembered what happened before I went to school started to ask him questions. They asked him whether I was right or he was right. I thank my father very much. He humbled himself and admitted that he was wrong. In my community, it is not easy for a man to admit that he is wrong, especially when it is something between him and his wife or children. As a man, your wife and children must always follow your orders. Whether you are right or wrong, they must do as you say. But my father challenged that community mind-set. My father must live to enjoy even the fruits of my grandchildren.
It is healthy to disagree as it is healthy to agree to the truth. People who always disagree are truth seekers. They believe in truth and the truth alone. They believe reality is searchable. They are searching for reality when they disagree. Truth can be found after a search.
People disagree to understand. To understand is not to memorize. Memorization method says, “Take anything given to you. Understanding will say, “Filter everything given to you. Memorization means swallowing. Understanding means chewing. You get choked when swallowing. Food gets digested when chewed. Which is better?
We disagree looking for self-identity. Sometimes, we feel forgotten. We feel unnoticed. People don’t know whether we exist or not. But when we disagree, we are given attention. A child will cry seeking for her mother’s attention. It is just human nature to disagree so that people know we also exist.
Our disagreements are warning! I am warning you that you should not touch me here. I am communicating to you my dislikes. For your benefit, you need to know that. People who take heed of warnings go safe. But careless ones suffer harms. A man didn’t want a certain name. He warned his friend not to call him so. He also told his friend what would follow if he continued. But his friend didn’t understand what disagreeing meant. He continued with the name and was beaten at the end. Love those who disagree. You just need to understand why they do.
Everyone can disagree at some points in life. Be kind to the nation.